what do i say now?

I went in to hospital on 27th July for a removal of rectal stump and anus as I had been having another bad flare up. On 28th July I had the operation. It all went wrong from there.
I ended up with 3 fistulas and 2 open wounds and spent 9 weeks in hospital. So here I am in December back on the fluoxetine since August when things just got too bad for me trying to look forward to Christmas and the new year. I had no food for 4 weeks and I lost 2 stone. Was put on a TPN feed. I was close to pulling it out on a lot of occasions let me tell you. If you don't know what it is let me explain; a tube is inserted into a vein in your neck or just above your collar bone and pushed through to just above your heart. It is then attached to a bag of nutrients that run direct into your body to try to keep you alive while not eating. I have told my wife that I flatly refuse to EVER have another one in. It was awful.
My mate Billy who is a nurse at St Marys hospital came to vist me very often and my family came each day to see me but I am told that I was not very nice during the early parts of my stay. Even this was not enough to stop me telling the nurses to stop trying to keep me alive and leave me to die as I felt so bad. Thus I ended up on the fluoxetine.
There was a guy in the bed next to me who had been in since mid June following removal of his colon due to cancer. His op had not gone at all well and he was in a real bad way. We had a lot of chats early on but as he got worse he became more and more withdrawn and quiet. I heard recently that he never got out and had died in the same ward. Goodbye John, you will be missed by all your family and friends.